In Memoriam

In the scars of my face, I see you

A reflection of a sliver of your soul still alive

Your absence stares right back at me

I linger on with moist eyes.

In every picture I find I search

In the lines of your face

for a faint memory of your arms

holding me right in my safe place

I remember the trace of your hands

hard, strong and calloused

with a faint scent of your guitar strings

A memory I cannot lose

I miss your voice the most, I swear

in some songs, I can still hear it

faint strains haunt my heart

make me break, I cannot bear it

Looking back on your life I see

us alike in more ways than one

In ways no one can fathom,

I love you fiercer than the sun!

Achen

June 1949 - October 2009

Somewhere up there in the skies travels the soul of the first musician I fell in love with the minute I was alive. This week, I've been thinking of the many memories I have running around in my mind. Its a year today and so much has changed, but what remains is that the apparent strains that connect me to him are louder and clearer than ever. I will always wish I knew more of him and that he could have been here to come home to. No, we weren't picture perfect - but I loved every inch of the flawed lives we lived together. It was exactly how it was meant to be.

The Moonstruck Solitaire

September 26, 2010

Tonight for the first time, I saw the moon from high above the clouds,

just as we were flying into twilight.

The merging of lavender, blue and a distinct shade of purple enchanted me into a mesmerizing trance.

You could say I was starstruck... no - moonstruck by the clear white light it radiated, reflecting in my eyes.

The purest moonbeams in the sky.

As the night grew darker and I continued to be astounded by moonlight

I took my pen out to write down a free flow of words it inspired

Usually, when I've looked at the moon, I remember forgotten lovers and funny friends

men with a streak of romance and women with dreams in the mirrors of their souls

The wholesome moon has somehow always made me reminiscent of people I've surrounded myself with

or loved... in different degrees

But tonight, I look into the dark clear night sky and think of no one.

Not because there's no one I'm in love with,

but because I am content solitary on a journey back from the other side of the world

Returning home after thirty days of missing people I want to, choose to be near and close to

Tonight, I am satisfied to be alone

In a way that satiates me and makes me confident and complete

After a lifetime of craving this comfort

The evening star silently shining nearby reminds me that

Even though I've chosen a life that requires this solitude...

There always will be light shining on me, making my soul beautiful.

Getting by at BiCon (II)

September 1, 2010

Dear BOAF,

So last night, my flatmate, tall Paul fixed the kettle. Thank the Gods for coffee in the morning. I woke up at 4am and had hunger pangs like the devil! I tried tricking my mind into thinking I didn’t need food, but that didn’t work. After contemplating walking, in the morning cold, to the Atrium (which is about five blocks away) I decided against it, drank some water and went back to sleep. I dreamt about Underwaterseabird being a success and going places. That’s Spook’s new EP – it’s got some real good stuff on it and is a must have. Please go watch them perform at Hard Rock Café on the 9th of September and tell me all about it. I wish I was home for that one gig. Yes, I know – Artist Management is my calling and yes, I only do it in return for sexual favors.

By the way, I also have a fiery Scottish flatmate named Anne.

The culture shock here isn’t that much, except for the costumes that people here wear when its time to party. It’s incredible and super creative. (This is me wondering what Akshay would look like in one of them and then Amar saying – Te Sagla barobar aahe…) Did I mention the costumes borderline on hot? By the way, typical English food just got boring. Paul cooked dinner tonight – so… phew!

But wait, I headed into BiCon today and managed to find some activist inspiring workshops to be at. Most of the sessions here are more like workshops and it pushes me out my comfort zone. I finally got online today and sent my mother and sister emails, Varun too. Two days without an internet connection and I missed it. I went into a couple of workshops today, but my fever started giving me a headache and I all I could do was beeline for my apartment and hit the bed. My bed is very springy so I bounced back a few times before I fell asleep. No dreams to report.

Later I woke up to find that Paul had already been to the supermarket without me. He loves cooking. I love Paul. He made some Indonesian Redang and Mashed Potatoes with a side of steamed broccoli and it tasted YUM! I have a feeling this trip is going to be healthy - physically, mentally and emotionally.

Its cold here and that really doesn’t help that I forgot my jacket and sweater back home. All I’ve had till sometime earlier was Rohit’s jumper. Today evening was superb. I finally got down to the bar to do some socializing after dinner. Hugs from Robyn are always a good way to start the evenings. Then I spoke with a lovely woman from Dublin. A beautiful Indian woman came up to me and was excited to see another out Indian bisexual. We got to talking and talking and talking, then we talked some more. She had a friend with her who kinda, sorta was doing the kind of stuff you’d catch me doing back home. He was making introductions of people to people who they should definitely network with and he brought by a director. He was just superb! I forgot to ask him if he knew any publishers… dammit! Anyway, we then walked the pretty lady to the station and picked me up a free denim jacket on the way. Warmer is always better and fyi – people don’t really believe my directions around here.

My feet are cold again, back to my springy bed. Tonight’s dessert – Maltesers

I miss you’ll tons and hope you’ll haven’t been behaving yourselves too much while I’m away.

Much Love

Getting by at BiCon (I)

September 1, 2010

Dear BOAF,

Second day here and I can feel a fever coming on. It’s probably because I didn’t blow my nose while I was at a panel reading today. I was nervous – stop judging me! Anyway, it’s Day Two in London and I miss everyone back home. I feel like right here in the midst of these 400 bisexuals from all over the world, I am you’ll – my family. Jet lag wasn’t all that much; all I needed was to catch up on some sleep I missed out on, while on my way here. The weather here is a lot like the weather I thought I’d left behind back home. It is cloudy and drizzles a lot. The University that we’re at is close to the River Thames and is on the side of a dock that runs along it, so it gets windy most of the time. It’s not really cold, but can feel cold to my beautiful brownness! Did I mention that we’re also close to the London Airport? No, not Heathrow or Gatwick, it’s a smaller airport. All through the day you can watch planes land and take off while having a smoke by the river. They have rules against smoking indoors so people have to head out of the accommodation area to have a cig. Mornings are a bitch for smokers! I find it incredibly bumming out because the kettle in our kitchen is broken – which means no morning coffee!

Everyone here is so open about who they are, they are receptive and free of inhibition, but the one thing that is being repeated is that they ‘identify’ as something, which involuntarily brings with it this truck load of labels that are dumped out front in the driveway. Instead of having an environment that is free of labels, everyone has a bunch of labels. At some point during the reading I did today (of my piece in Robyn Ochs’ Getting Bi) I mentioned that I never really felt the need to identify as something or call myself something alternate to the ordinary. It was while watching TV that I learned about labels and tried to figure out what mine was – in terms of sexuality. It made me wonder if there are others back home who feel the same way. Did we just begin to call ourselves something, did labels never matter to you to begin with or have you always known of labels and defied them (if you do)? Also, does having a label make you feel secure about yourself? It goes hand in hand with ‘coming out’ doesn’t it? I come out because I decide that it’s time you know that I am… gay, bisexual, etc. What made us feel the need to give ourselves a label? Who started the concept of ‘coming out’? The reason behind coming out has suddenly become a bit blurred.

There’s a bunch of people being pretty and having a bunch of fun in a pub a little way off. I wish I could be there at it, bit what with this fever and all… No, I’m not making excuses and I’m not missing a particular someone, wishing they were here instead so I could be wildly creative with them in my plush little room, on a spring bed that would just be so much fun. I’m not even thinking about it – promise! I’m just trying to not fall sick and resting indoors – on my own.

I know I’m going to be able to put all this up only after I get to a place with internet, but just so you know – I’m thinking about you’ll and am proud to be representing our family. The concept of which, by the way, people here love! They now have this interesting picture of the community in Pune and can’t wait to get a taste of what it’s like to be a part of a safe space where gender or orientation does not matter. Birds of a Feather – I love you so much and yes, you’ll are the other reason I miss home.



Much Love

The Smitten Mute (Spoken Word)

August 10, 2010

She is my whirlwind of laughter that

Chaotically slips and slides across the room

Her eyes dancing around the faces that turn to look at her

Not stopping on any one of them, she makes her way to me

Her half smile, half grin, her sharp teeth biting her lower lip

She pulls my hand out of my pocket and grabs it,

Dragging me to the center of the dance floor

And we move

Partly to the rhythm of her heartbeat and partly to mine

My clumsy left feet don’t go a step out of time and

I can tell, this girl is something else

She wines and dines me, takes me out to our car

We go for a drive, trying to get as far as the moon

So that maybe I would lean out on a dream and give her the stars that sail by

We pull over to the side of a cliff and lay down in the moist grass

Not afraid of getting it in our hair she wants to

Kiss me under the night sky, in the middle of fireflies

She wants to hold my hand while it wraps around her and

Lean into me, just a little bit, so that I could whisper

Something to her that would make her want me

A little more than she probably does

But my stupid mouth couldn’t even get out… Words!

Again

August 10, 2010

Not again.

�

I feel the earth beneath me begin to give way

To that hollow in my chest, like something stuck in my airway

Unfamiliar ground with a sense of Deja vu

Something I should have known was coming, she wasn't something new

I think of her and I look at me, in my reflection all I see

Is someone I wish I wouldn't be

Then again,

You heard me out and said 'I warned you!'

You could tell this was coming, and that she wouldn't follow through

A calm voice at the end of the line, reassuring

Get out of this mess now, its already boring

My 4am conscience, my constant friend,

just when everything seems at its end

You remind me:

Change is about to begin

Again.

The Upshot

The cool night rain outside our window

Breathes a sigh of innocence

Not looking in on our hot tired bodies

Kissing the earth in reverence

She imitates a rhythm, an echo

Of the one we had a moment ago

Any other day, I’d be a content woman

Knowing there would be tomorrow

But tonight I cool off, in the silence of

Him breathing, with a taste of sorrow

Anxious and knowing the truth of why

We were here in this room tonight

There are no words, to call this an ‘it’

I let my reverie feel this bliss

The scent of this man on my skin is like

The flavor of his sweltering kiss

I pick up my things, get up and leave

Hoping that he won’t regret me

© 16th July, 2010